Thoughts as of late.

Sorry it's been a while since I blogged. I haven't had the heart to. I don't even remember the last time I blogged. Do you?


Anyways. I'll start with what drove me to blog today. It's not all connecting in my brain , so excuse me if it doesn't all connect on here either. Anyways. To the point. Have you ever had a smell that was so familiar to you and packed with memories that it made you cry ?  That happened to me today.

I was just in the bathroom doing chores and all of the sudden the familiar smell of the way my grandma's bathroom smelled hit me. Strong and hard. I don't know where it came from. I don't even know how as I'm fairly certain my grandmother didn't clean with the same stuff I do. Maybe she did. I don't know. All I know is that that is the smell that always hits me the hardest. Is that weird? That the times I remember my grandmother the most is always accompanied with the smell of her bathrooms? I can't even describe the smell to you. It's just a smell that is so unique and distinct. I pick it up every so often.

That led me into trying to figure out what the heck the smell was. I'd recreate it always if I could. I suppose I'll never know though. That led me into other memories. Down the same road that the smell always takes me. The road of breakfasts at her house where I was always excited to eat the kiwi's she would inevitably peel and cut for us. This always makes me laugh a bit because these days I don't even really like kiwi anymore. Maybe it's because I can't peel it just the way she did. I can't peel them to save my life. Weird how that happens. Not liking a fruit I loved at grandma's. Then kitchen memories take me to the weird contraption she told me was a wheat grinder. I could never figure out how it worked. I don't even know if it did work.

That always leads me to the cool little potato bin she had. That was always pretty interesting to me and I never understood why you needed a special bin just for potatoes. I get it now. I don't own one , but I would if only to feel that much closer to her. The smell of the potato bin always takes me to the shelf she kept lots of paper and coloring supplies for us. That along with doing puzzles always reminds me of grandmas house. That and the bookshelf. I think that's what really inspired me to have a large bookshelf. The fact that she had sooo many books.

Inevitably this all reminds me of her. How empty and hollow she felt towards the end. How tired she sounded the last time I talked to her. I'll never forget that for as long as I live. I know she's happy and healthy now, and that she wouldn't want me to be sad. I miss her though. Anyways that's where I'm at today.

On top of that I've had a lot of health things going on myself and I'm finally getting some answers which is fantastic. I still have a few more tests to be done next week, but i'm finally feeling more hopeful about my future.

If you've made it this far I really commend you . I don't know how frequently I'll be on. Hopefully more frequent than I have been.