My Story

Sorry I've been absent on here for so long. I've gotten away from blogging to rekindle my love for physical journals. It's been a very therapeutic month with my newest journal , and I will probably keep up with putting pen to paper and putting my thoughts into print that way. However I needed to take a break and come back to this for a moment. If only to help someone who might be in a similar situation know they're not alone. This is a very raw and real post for me, and it might be a little long. So bear with me. 

Sunday night my husband and I laid in bed talking. He said, "I slept through church. I was really tired, it was a rough night at work, but still I really wanted to go to church." I replied simply with "I didn't."

It didn't happen overnight, but somehow over the course of, I don't know, 4 years, I had lost my way. I had been losing my faith , and what I had left by this Sunday was a mere iota of the magnificent faith I had had as a child and teenager. I used to have so much faith I thought it would always be there. Here I was on that day though, not wanting to go to church. 

The Lord clearly had other plans for me. Somehow He helped me soften my heart. He put little reminders in my heart of why I loved church. Why I should go back. For a long time I thought "Sure, that's a good reason, but it's not enough." Conveniently the General Woman's Conference for our church was held the day before, and all my friends decided Sunday was the best time to share all of their nuggets that they had gleaned from the meeting. To them I say thank you.

 If they hadn't shared those quotes, I never would have looked up the talks online. Then I never would have read Uchtdorf's talk. I never would have heard the talk that I'm 100% positive the Lord inspired him to give, just for me. This was the quote all of my friends shared, that came to me at the perfect time to inspire me to turn back to him in my lowest hours. He said: 

"There may be many things about life that are beyond your control. But in the end, you have the power to choose both your destination and many of your experiences along the way. It is not so much your abilities but your choices that make the difference in life.You cannot allow circumstances to make you sad. You cannot allow them to make you mad.You can rejoice that you are a daughter of God. You can find joy and happiness in the grace of God and in the love of Jesus Christ.You can be glad."

Then it hit me. I had become mad, I had become sad. Instead of owning up to those emotions, I blamed my Heavenly Father for handing me those circumstances. I had decided to be the perfect host to my own pity party. I realized I had only done this to myself, and I needed to own that. 

Upon telling all this to Gregg he responded " I'm sorry. I saw all of this happening and I didn't do anything. We both need to do better about living what we believe. What can I do to help you get back to where you were?" It was mind boggling that I had a husband who didn't judge me, but wanted to help. Who, whenever he see's me struggling with something, is the first to say "I see the problem, how can I help you." 

He never judges. I feel like he's much like my Heavenly Father that way. Together as a couple we decided that we needed to start reading our scriptures and praying as a family daily. The scriptures we read may or may not be the children's version. It's easier because we have Zoe now , and I really don't mind because it really puts the gospel simply. Since I feel like i'm really at a point where I need to build my faith back up from the basics again it's been great. 

I also feel the need to put it out there that I never once lost faith that there was indeed a God. I always felt that He was very real, I still believe that His son Jesus Christ came to Earth to atone for all of our sins. I knew the Holy Ghost was real, because I still felt and continue to feel his presence in my life. I know that I am loved by them. I also still had a strong testimony that Jospeh Smith was a real prophet. 

I realize now that the base of all my doubts laid in the fact that I was scared, mad, and sad. I had just let all those become my truth. I had chosen to wallow in self pity and although it may not be the same exact situation that anyone else is in, I want others who may be having a hard time, and clinging to a small thread of past faith, to know I'm there with you. 

There is hope for us. That your Father in Heaven does still love you. That He is preparing you. One day when you've reached the bottom of your cup and feel like you can't go on, He will take that opportunity to lift you up. To remind you that He is still there, waiting with arms wide open, to welcome you back to the fold. You only have to reach out to Him.