On the upbeat side before I go all Mr. Scrooge on y'all, I just had my parents in town this weekend, and it was kind of just what my heart needed. It's always good to see them for a weekend, and I was so lucky that my dad was able to accompany my mom this weekend. They must have worked their anti-snow magic though. Before they came , it was supposed to snow the entire time they were here. It didn't snow once.
Zoe loved having them, and I love how much of a bond she has with them. I swear, my mom and sister are close, but I'm 99% sure I have never seen a stronger bond than what Zoe and her honey have. It makes me happy because lately I don't feel like I'm a good enough mom for her, so I'm glad she has such an amazing woman to look up to. I wish I had taken the time to appreciate how great my mom was when I was younger. Maybe things would be different.
Every year people make the posts about how great their year was and how sad they are to see it go. This year is nothing like that for me. This year was a hard year for me , so I want to get my Scroogy post over with, so that when new years rolls around you can already be over my post and be ready to read about other people's happier times.
Among a few other things, this year had been hard. It's been a little over a year (a year and a half to be more precise) since I found out I had PCOS. I first just was told it would be harder for me to get pregnant. I've since been told that I actually am not even ovulating. So I actually have secondary infertility ( which I'm pretty sure I already mentioned , but now have had it confirmed by a different Dr. ) , and will not be able to get pregnant without fertility treatments. Which really sucks , and I have so much more respect for women who can't have children at all.
It sucks even more because I totally feel like my body let me down. I was able to do this once, why can't my body do this again? It hurts even more hearing "just change your diet" , "exercise more" , or the worst " just stop worrying about it and it will happen".
Those hurt because people who don't live with it don't realize that it's not that simple.
I'm on medicine daily just to help my body deal with insulin. With my specific type of PCOS, my body doesn't do well with insulin, so the medication keeps me from going diabetic. Also PCOS makes it really hard to lose weight. So I can diet all I want, but I'm going to have a harder time losing weight . For example, I've tried several diets, but I always get stuck around 200lbs. My body has a really hard time dropping below that.
I realize that this is getting really long, and I understand if you want to stop reading my whine. I just need to finish this up and I promise I'll try to make it quick.
All this makes me feel like a terrible wife because I can't give Gregg any more kids. If I do it will be some kind of miracle. I feel Like an awful mother because I can't give Zoe a sibling, and half the time ( I promise I love her , but this threenager stage...) I don't know that I want to. I mean. I can barely handle her day to day, not because she's a bad kid. She's amazing. I'm just so tired ALL the time , and it makes it hard to do the day to day. How can I be a good mom to her when all I want to do is lay in bed and cry?
How can I be the person she needs me to be? She deserves better. I'm afraid when she's older she'll look back on these toddler years and be like "my mom was the worst."
It makes me sad. So my next Dr. Appointment I plan on asking of it's a hormonal thing or just because I'm so fat.
I feel bad for wanting more kids. I feel bad for feeling like I'd resent any other kid I had in the future because it's bad enough not being able to be the mom Zoe needs me to be and to want to add another one in the mix.
I feel awful. There are so many things I feel guilty for and awful about, and I'm just ready for this year to be over because I can't deal with anymore stuff added on to this year from heck. I'm tired of trying to be happy for people that I'm not happy for. (Not you Brett, I'm so happy for you.)
- Rant over I guess. And thanks for letting me vent. #RealLife
I think often times we forget that people put a filter on their lives when they post on their social media accounts. Everyone has their ups and downs through life, I just don't think we see it because no one wants to talk about the bad parts. My first two years of marriage I was sad, A LOT. So don't think you're alone, because I can guarantee you're not. Everyone goes through stages where they don't feel adequate. Just think the year is almost over. Next year is a new chance to be a better you, a better wife, and a better mom. Really each day we have a new chance at being better than we were the day before. I've learned that attitude is everything. Hoping 2016 is a better year for you! I love you!
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