Finding Peace

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2016/01/not-the-miracle-we-wanted?lang=eng

Earlier this month, my sister shared this article on her Facebook page. I read it not knowing how crucial a part of my healing (emotional and spiritual ) it would become. I had become so bitter and angry over the last year, that I couldn't even function. After reading this it put everything into a whole new perspective.

"Sometimes we pray and pray until our knees are sore for the miracle we want, but then God gives us the miracle we need."

"That we weren’t having a family right then didn’t mean God didn’t care. We just needed to trust in His timing, and we needed His peace to keep that trust alive. We needed His peace to bind up our breaking hearts and give us the faith to keep moving forward.

Peace was the miracle we needed—not the miracle we’d been begging for, but the one we needed most." 

Although we have our little family , and are super blessed to be Zoe's parents, it honestly felt like God didn't care. This really made me question my faith. How could I , a person who was so deserving of another child to love (in my super "humble" opinion) not be blessed with another pregnancy   while those I deemed less worthy got to have babies? 

I mean even just reading that I see now why it's probably not happening. How self involved do I have to be? Who am I to judge who should and shouldn't have babies? It's absolutely not my place. That just shows how bitter and hurt I was. 

Then I read this article and something clicked. Maybe I was praying for the wrong thing. I had officially hit rock bottom and had been humbled. Instead of praying for a baby, now I pray for peace. I pray that I'll be able to peacefully and patiently wait for my turn to come again. I pray that if I don't get another turn, that I'll be at peace with that outcome as well. 

I won't lie. There are days when it's still really hard. There are days when I want to give up completely and just whine " why is this happening to me?!". I can see a difference in my life though. I have more energy , I don't feel as depressed, and I'm not nearly as jealous as I was. I actually have a few friends who just announced pregnancies, and I'm glad I can say that I'm genuinely happy for them.

 I have hope, and above all else, I have peace.